To Root out Bias, Prejudice & Bullying
It’s not your job to educate the person who just harmed you. But you may decide to do the work because saying something costs you less than remaining silent. In my experience, when people’s biases are pointed out to them clearly and compassionately, they usually correct them and apologize.
You can use an “I” statement to invite the person to help the person notice the mistake. An “I” statement does not call the person out; it invites the person in to understand your perspective. Easier said than done. Starting with the word “I” invites the person to consider things from your point of view—why what they said or did seemed biased to you.
The easiest “I” statement is the simple factual correction. For example, “I don’t work here.” Or, it can show how what was said landed for you. “I don’t think you’ll take me seriously when you call me ‘honey.’”
An “I” statement is a generous response to someone else’s unconscious bias. It helps them learn. Another benefit of an “I” statement is that it’s a good way to figure out where the other person is coming from. If people respond politely or apologetically, it will confirm your diagnosis of unconscious bias. If they double down or go on the attack, then you’ll know you’re dealing with prejudice or bullying.
What leaders can do to disrupt bias
People will only use “I” statement if they feel safe doing so. And if you’re a leader, you should know that there are people on your team who do not feel safe. As a leader, it’s your job to create a safe environment, not to feel impatient that people don’t feel safe. Telling people they “should” feel safe just won’t make it so. Make it clear that disrupting bias is an organizational priority and that all of you must be fully invested in it.
Leaders can disrupt bias by rolling out a simple three step process.
Create a shared vocabulary The goal is to be able to acknowledge bias as it appears in real time, but without doing so in a way that derails the conversation or meeting. To do this, teams need to have a signal. I use purple flag. But figure out what will work best for your team. One cat-loving organization meowed at each other when bias arose; another team used, “Yo” as their code word. A more formal way to address bias could be to say “I don’t think you meant that like it sounds.”
Establish a shared norm for responding when your bias has been pointed out. What happens once bias has been identified is just as important as identifying it in the first place. If you’ve been flagged (or meowed at, or yo’d), the first thing to say is ‘Thank you.’ If the bias in your statement is clear to you, you can say something like, “Yes, I understand and I’m working on it.” Or, if you don’t understand or you want more information, say, “I’m not sure why what I said was biased, but I want to know; can we discuss after the meeting?”
Agree to a shared commitment. Commit to pointing out bias. It’s awkward to disrupt bias. But bias is making itself manifest in practically every meeting. If you get to the end of a meeting and no bias has been disrupted, pause. Was there something you missed?
For more on disrupting bias, see the TED talk Trier Bryant and I did.
Respond to prejudice with an “it” statement.
Prejudice, unlike bias, is a conscious and ingrained belief. People don’t change their prejudices simply because someone points them out with an “I” statement. Holding up a mirror doesn’t change prejudice— people like what they see. What’s important is to draw a clear boundary between people’s right to believe whatever they want and their freedom to impose their prejudices on others.
An “it” statement can offer that boundary. An “it” statement can appeal to the law, an HR policy, or to common sense. For example, “it is against the law/an HR violation/ridiculous not to hire the most qualified candidate because of their hair.” (or age, sexual orientation, gender identity, religion, race, etc.)
How leaders can use a code of conduct do to disrupt prejudice
If you are a leader who hasn’t totally lost touch with what it feels like not to be a leader, you know that people in your organization will often not feel safe using an “it” statement unless you’ve made a code of conduct very explicit. Leaders are responsible for setting and communicating clear expectations about the boundaries of acceptable behavior.
A code of conduct is one of the best tools for ensuring expectations are clear and fair. A code of conduct does not tell people what to believe but instead what they can and cannot do. Most people will respect boundaries—if they know where they are.
In general, for performance issues of any kind, employees should (1) understand clearly what is expected and (2) be given some warning when they are failing to do what is expected. There are of course grounds for immediate termination: violence or theft, for example. But where is the line for your organization? As a leader, it’s your job to articulate it.
Writing a code of conduct takes time, but it will push you as a leader to think as clearly about behavior as you do about performance. It forces you to articulate what is OK and not OK to say and do in your workplace, and to decide what the consequences ought to be for violating the standards you are setting forth. When do people get a warning, and what are grounds for immediate dismissal?
Respond to bullying with a “you” statement (or question)
Usually bullies are trying to harm someone. Pointing out the pain they are inflicting with an “I” statement doesn’t make them stop and may even encourage them to double down. Telling them where the boundaries are with an “it” statement may serve to encourage them to test the boundary.
One way to push back is to confront the person with a “You” response, as in “What’s going on for you here?” or “You need to stop talking to me that way.” A “You” response is a decisive action, and it can be surprisingly effective in changing the dynamic. That’s because the bully is trying to put you in a submissive role, to demand that you answer their questions or to shine a scrutinizing spotlight on you. When you reply with a “You” response, you are now taking a more active role, asking them to answer your questions, shining a scrutinizing spotlight on them.
An “I” statement invites the person to consider your perspective; an “It” statement establishes a clear boundary beyond which the other person should not go. With a “You” statement, you are talking about the bully, not yourself. People can let your statement lie or defend themselves against it, but they are playing defense rather than offense in either case.
Here are some other examples.
“What’s going on for you here?”
“Do you realize how you sound?”
“You’re being inappropriate, disrespectful, etc.”
“Yo, not cool/OK.”
“You need to leave them alone now.”
How leaders can use consequences to combat bullying
One of the many problems with bullying is that bullies usually pick on the people who have the hardest time defending themselves. While the bullying works for the bully, it harms a team’s ability to collaborate. So it is a leader’s job to create conversational, compensation, and career consequences for bullying. When bullying is tolerated, it often escalates.
Bias, prejudice and bullying distract a team from doing its work…
..disrupting them is the productive, if uncomfortable, response.
Your degrees of freedom and responsibility when confronting bias, prejudice, and bullying depend on your role. And no matter what your role is, you may feel uncomfortable or even unsafe to confront bias, prejudice and bullying. It often feels like responding will be a distraction. But we ignore them at our peril. If the goal is to create an environment in which everyone can do better work and be happier while they are doing it we must disrupt them before they disrupt our ability to work together.
To help, here is a “cheat sheet.”
Just Work Cheat Sheet
